Rituals
and ceremonies
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Rituals
and ceremonies
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| "This is not importanl, that is not important... let us do away with this and do away with that... in the end they will do away with everything." Arguing ancient rituals AT THE SPECIAL REQUEST OF LIM AH KEOW, who had gone through the ceremonies of an old-style marriage some twenty-two years ago and had suffered the irksomeness of ancient rituals, our matchmaker did what she could to persuade the widow not to pursue too rigidly the conservative practices. Lim had been told that nyonya rituals were much more cumbersome than old Chinese customs. He felt strongly that it was not necessary that his boy who had reached adult age should undergo the hair-combing ceremony and he did not want the bride and groom to kneel before him at the tea-serving ritual. He wanted the minimum of traditional practices. In his view, a curtailment of rites and ceremonies was a social necessity to lessen the strain, discomfort and stress that were unnecessarily imposed on the new couple getting married. Undoubtedly, Lim Ah Keow's daily contact with traders and businessmen who were always on the move and constantly improving themselves and their fortunes by acting on new ideas, had influenced his thinking. He saw clearly that the forces of progress could not be ignored. He also realised that unless he adopted a new approach to old problems, he would never be able to contribute towards the betterment of society. Hence, his appeal to the mother of the bride to be liberal-minded and not to insist on non-essentials. Our widow, having won the battle for a chin-chuey marriage did not want to upset Lim Ah Keow again and was prepared to meet him half-way, even more, but she was fearful of unkind gossip and back-biting from the nyonya community in town. By intuition, she realised that this request which seemed innocuous, could blow up in disaster, if not properly handled. Our two ladies gave this matter careful thought and agreed that it was imperative to bring in the sarng-keh-myn for consultation, for she could be the chief obstacle. |
| Negotiations This fastidious practitioner of the old customs, after listening to Lim Ah Keow's proposals, flatly spurned the idea that anyone should want to do away with rituals, ceremonies and traditions. The iconoclasts, she declared, would start with saying, "This is not important, that is not important.. .let us do away with this and do away with that.. .in the end they will do away with everything." People should understand, she emphasised, that the happiness and success of a marriage depended upon the blessing of the gods and the blessing of their ancestors. Therefore, to do away with established customs and the marriage rites is to do away with filial piety and filial piety is the rock and foundation of every family. Families without filial piety would soon be in a mess. When no respect is paid to the gods and to the ancestors, men will become mere animals, she adjudicated, as if passing sentence on them. "Furthermore," she stressed, "it is only once in a lifetime that a young man or girl gets married; it is once in a lifetime that the young man, wearing the ceremonial robes and cap, becomes a mandarin for the day; and it is only once in a lifetime that the bride, wearing the traditional gown and head-dress, becomes a princess for the day. For such a wonderful joy and such a rare privilege, what is this nonsense about strain, stress and inconvenience, when it is only for a day?" She ended her tirade with the rhetorical question, "Don't you agree?" Not wishing to antagonise the Mistress of Ceremonies, the widow quickly said: "Of course, I agree with you. Nevertheless, we cannot disregard entirely the views of the other side. A marriage is the begining of a new series of relationships. There will be a lot of coming and going between the new relatives, birthdays and other celebrations and all that; therefore, in the long-term interests of the contracting parties, it would be unwise to start with bickering and quarrelling over formalities and old rules of etiquette." Our matchmaker, although a nyonya herself, was not keen about upholding the traditional marriage rites and customs, having come under the influence of MacDanby, her husband. Although she believed in the temple gods, in Fate and in the Thoong-Su, she felt that in the interests of her children and in loyalty to her husband, she should not stand in the way of social change and progress. She stoutly supported her friend. "Indeed," she said, "society is founded on rules and regulations, but society changes. When I was a child, all our menfolk had queues ù now, almost all the pigtails have disappeared. Only a few die-hards cling to their queues. They look so anachronistic. Our menfolk used to wear loose trousers and loose coats ù now, after having lived in Malaya for a generation or two, they wear European-style clothing and shoes and at home they wear sarongs. At first our people from China, men and women, couldn't eat chillies and 'hot' spicy food ù now, they eat mouth-burning curries and sambals. Up to just a few years ago, the rich people were still carried about in sedans ù now, they go about in a horse-carriage or in a motor-car. Where people used to walk or travel from town to town by bullock-carts or in sampans, now they ride on bicycles and travel by car or train. Oh, I can go on and on giving you one example after another of changes that have taken place. I repeat that times have changed bringing in changes in man's habits, thinking and actions." |
| Compromise "Changes in dress, changes in food and eating habits and changes in travelling style, yes," chipped in the arbiter of marriage procedures; "but never, changes in the time-honoured marriage rites and ceremonies. These were handed down to us by our ancestors and for generations we have observed them. Our culture is based on traditions - kill the traditions, then you'll kill our culture. If we lose our culture, then everything is lost." Our widow quickly cut in: "Let there be no misunderstanding. The bridegroom's side is not asking us to abolish all our traditions. No, they are not against everything. They only ask that they be allowed to forego certain rites, ceremonies and customs. What happens in their house is their business. Certainly, we have no right to control their household. But, as far as my household is concerned, you have the right of way and you carry out what you deem is necessary." Meh Ah Lian butted in again: "In recent years, I have been to several nyonya marriages and have noticed that there were variations in the ceremonies performed. (Actually, it was her husband, who drew her attention to this fact.) Each sarng-keh-myn did things in her own way. In the last two marriages I attended, some customs borrowed from Malacca were omitted and nobody complained. In fact, very few people noticed the omissions. There did not appear to me to be any rigid code of procedures. No one knew whether what was done was correct or not. Everything was left to each sarng-keh-myn and the bride and bridegroom just acted like marionettes in a puppet show. They just did what the Mistress of Ceremonies directed them to do. I feel sure there is no iron-cast code of rites and ceremonies. Procedure was entirely in the hands of each individual sarng-keh-myn and the elders in the family. All that mattered was that there was someone who seemed qualified to conduct the proceedings." The sarng-keh-myn had no immediate reply. She knew she was cornered. To gain time she merely said: "Let's give this matter more thought," and she called for the sireh tray. Our widow, seeing the need for an intermission, called for coffee and Poh Choo brought in three cups on saucers, a pot of black coffee and two small spittoons. While the sarng-keh-myn was slowly preparing her mouthful of betel leaves, thoughts marched through her agile mind. She realised that the matchmaker could not be just brushed aside, for she had brought out some very cogent and pertinent points. It was indeed true that there was no fixed code of marriage procedures. Procedures differed from family to family and from State to State. True, marriage procedures in Malacca and Singapore were different from those practised in Penang and Perak. But, how did Meh Ah Lian come to know about this, she wondered. (Now she pushed the betel leaf into her mouth and started to munch, and as she chewed and chewed, she ruminated.) Indeed, things were done this way and that way according to a past pattern, based on traditions which were handed down by word of mouth from one generation to another. True, rules and procedures had been adjusted from time to time to suit circumstances. To her knowledge, in the course of the past twenty-five years, there had been additions and subtractions to the rules. |
| You've eaten more salt What a sarng-keh-myn practised was what the elders of her generation had taught her. (Now she picked up a spittoon and spat the excess reddish acid-charged saliva into it.) Then she went on with her rumination. Yes, the rules and ceremonies. They were a mixture of religion and social ethics and she could see that they were devised to achieve one specific purpose, and that was to instil in the minds of the new couple, a reverence for the gods, for one's ancestors and one's parents. That was the objective and that was what the rites and ceremonies were all about. On the score of filial piety, she reflected on Lim Ah Keow's request that the bride and the groom need not kneel before him, and she realised that genuine filial piety and a show of filial piety were entirely different things. She also realised that to comply strictly with every requirement of custom and practice would indeed be cumbersome and burdensome. She therefore decided that in the interests of both parties concerned, it would be better to compromise than to be too rigid. While the other two ladies were munching their mouthful of betel leaves, the sarng-keh-myn, after drinking her coffee and clearing her throat, announced: "I must admit that Meh Ah Lian had made me see the point that there is indeed no fixed code of rites and ceremonies. I therefore agree that there should be flexibility and we should not use force on anyone. Anything forced on people is bound to have an unpleasant reaction. If Lim Ah Keow asks for moderation, it is better to compromise than to force our way over him. I also agree with you (addressing the widow) that there should be happy relationships with newly-acquired relatives." This sudden change in the attitude of the Mistress of Ceremonies surprised our two ladies and gave them instant relief. After using the spittoon and after swallowing the remaining cud in her mouth, Meh Suan Gek said: "You've lifted a burden off my heart. Now it is easy to make arrangements to suit both sides. As I've said earlier, in my house you have the full right of way to carry out what ceremonies you think should be performed. To me, traditions are traditions and I respect both the gods and our ancestors." Our matchmaker, who feared that the sarng-keh-myn would be unrelenting, was so elated that she declared with open joy: "Ah Kow Ee (that was what everybody called her), you are truly a broadminded person. Indeed, you have eaten more salt than we have eaten rice. You have seen so mueh of life and you have great wisdom. We need elderly people like you to bend what used to be unbend-able. I do not advocate that we do away with everything that smacks of tradition. No. There are good and useless traditions. We will retain.the good ones and give up the useless ones. Don't you think I am correct, Ah Kow Ee?" Returning the compliment, the Mistress of Ceremonies said: "Ah, Meh Ah Lian, there are very few people who can speak and reason things out the way you do. You must have learnt a great deal from your Tuan Mac. I hear you have been movihg about a lot with your husband and I know he's a very clever man." |
| Settling the details At this moment, Poh Choo came to the barlay and politely announced that lunch was ready. Earlier in the day, our widow had instructed the girls to prepare the meal and as it was ready and should be eaten warm, the ladies adjourned to the kitchen. The table was laid for the three of them and the widow told her guests that the girls would eat later with the boys. The ladies washed their hands, and following the Malay style, they picked up the food with their fingers and putting it into the mouth pushed it with the thumb of their right hand into position for mastication. For soup, they used a clay spoon which each was provided with. It was an excellent lunch and spiced with the latest gossip, friendly banter and jokes, it was thoroughly enjoyed. "Aiya," exclaimed the sarng-keh-myn as she finished her second plate of rice, "if this is the kind of food you serve here, I shall come everyday for lunch." "Sit lei... sit lei (shame on us, such poor fare)," replied the widow: "in fact, no amount of invitation can bring you here just for food. You are giving us a lot of face today." "All right... all right... enough of this mutual admiration," said Ah Kow Ee, not wishing to prolong the bantering, as the widow was capable of pulling her legs. After they had washed their hands and taken another cup of coffee, they were ready for further discussion. Our widow could see that the mood was proper for fruitful talk. Just at that time, the boys returned from school. They banged at the door. Poh Choo opened it and quickly made the sign for silence by raising a finger to her lips, and she whispered: "Guests... Ah Lian Ee and Ah Kow Ee... be careful.. .not so much noise." They came in quietly and as they passed by the guests to go to the kitchen, they bowed slightly and each called out: "Ah Lian Ee...Ah Kow Ee." "What fine boys you have, Meh Suan Gek," commented Ah Kow Ee. "I hope to live long enough to see your first two boys get married." Our widow smiled, pleased that her sons were well-behaved. Then the ladies carried on with their discussion. They talked for a further hour and a half, and the Mistress of Ceremonies made it clear to the widow what had to be done before and on the marriage eve and on the marriage day. It was settled that Meh Ah Lian should confer with Lim Ah Keow and get it confirmed what he would agree to and what he wouldn't. Ah Kow Ee should then be apprised of the situation, so that she would know what her commitments were with regard to the male's side. So smoothly did the spirit of compromise work that within a fortnight, after two meetings with Lim Ah Keow in his house, in which the sarng-keh-myn and our matchmaker took part, everything pertaining to the rites and ceremonies in both houses, was settled. The parties even agreed to dispense with this and that custom, to modify and to adjust this and that ritual, without discarding altogether the traditional practices that had become a part of Chinese culture. Thus, what had threatened to raise a storm was cleared up by adroit handling and a willingness by all concerned to co-operate and make things function smoothly for everyone's benefit.#. (To be continued) Fifth extract from Chin Kee Onn's "Twilight of the Nyonyas" Previous instalment |
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____________________ The Penang File Issue 39 |